Lynn

I caved. I'm on myspace. I feel so...unclean.

Done and done.

Although technically I didn't get started until after Prison Break had ended.

I just...I give up, completely. Try as I will, try as I might I simply cannot get past the first page of trying to write anything. Forget first page, I'd just like to be able to complete a paragraph that isn't full of suck. I'll think something up in my head and it'll sound really awesome but when I see it down in black and white it's just...too awful to go through with. So, forget it. I'm not writing anything anymore. I completely surrender to whatever the hell it is that has kept me from being able to finish anything decent, ever, and anything at all for the past couple of years.

There really is no point to me having this LJ (no one reads it anyhow, not even me) and yet I haven't gotten rid of it. I have the most urgent life's NEED to be immortalized by my words somehow and yet I find it physically impossible to write any thing else that I think up, story ideas, poems and whatnot.

I'm loving my new job and the people I work with are great, as well. The museum suits me and it's not as harshly grating on my sanity as previous jobs I've held. Except now, along with class, I have not a single day off. Monday through Thursday morning it's classes and Thursday evening through Sunday it's the museum. But it's good, gives me less time to be alone and think too much, as I have been apt to fall into that pattern all too much lately. The more time spent with people outside of my own mind, the better.

I've figured out something. Although I do miss California and everyone and thing there, the bulk of my desire to go leave wasn't my longing to be back in Los Angeles. It was to get away from family members, especially, especially, my grandmother. To solve that problem I am simply moving away from her. She doesn't need me anymore, anyhow, and she's making me into a lunatic. I am hoping to be into an apartment of my own by summer, although I don't think that I'm quite ready to live completely alone and neither does my mother. She wants me to find a roommate and I think that's the best thing for me, too. I figure the Bayou City will have to deal with me, and I with it, until... I say until I'm done with school, but who knows when that will be or if it will even happen any time soon. So I'll just say for now. Houston is stuck with me for now.

I am so bored. I had to call in sick to work today because I feel like crap. In addition to catching my sister's cold I think that someone has poisoned me. I am monumentously annoyed, not because I feel horrible, but because I am. So. God. Damn. Bored.

I've got a secret, I've got a secret. Neener, neeener, neener...

It's just so wrong that when I was single there was no one interesting around but now that I'm not, I work with two gorgeous-eyed guys. What's worse is that I don't even wanna date them, I just think they're cool guys.

Now I have to find someone else to kiss at midnight on New Year's because that person who calls himself my boyfriend made plans without even considering to ask me anything. Potato head. Good news is that someone has already volunteered to sub for him and I'm mildly tempted to take them up on their offer. What?! She's pretty! It doesn't count if it's Linda, does it?

Dammit! I think I may be coming down with my sister's cold. And now if I try to make out with anyone in the next few days, I'll be totally evil. Well...eviller.

People cling to their ideas of who you were and who you should be so tightly that it's suffocating.

I want to be different. Somehow different than I am at this very moment. Completely different than who I've become in my 20 and one half years of life.

Some other person.

Tired. I hate the other side of 4am. Tried sleeping when I got home from work but an hour is all I've managed so far. Met a few new people I'm working with. Jill's really cool, laid-back and funny. Michelle is...difficult to explain. She's like the energizer bunny when he's doing cocaine, she is. Joseph is the only person I'm with who I already knew from before. Joseph is great. He's a gentleman and such a sweetheart. But I guess I should learn to be more careful with the signals I send out.

He told me he was interested in me and when I told him I was unavailable he was knocked off his rocker. He thought that all this time we were in the same place about each other. I talked to some of my friends and one, Olivia, says, "Well, can you blame him? You flirt with everyone, you big whore." And then everyone agreed that it's not limited to guys, either. I'm always the last person to know everything! But looking back I guess I can see how some of my behavior can be misconstrued as flirting. In the future I will be sure to refrain from greeting people with an ear nibble and parting from them with a soft, lingering caress of the ass. I'm hoping I can stop or at least be more aware of when I'm doing it. I do have a boyfriend and I am actually into him (no matter what he might think) so I wouldn't want to be out with him somewhere, hitting on everyone but him. Oh, wait. I'd probably be flirting with him too, though. Because I'm indiscriminating that way.

Speaking of (conspicuously absent) boyfriends, this is definitely the longest I've gone without speaking to him since we first re-met each other. Thoughts bouncing.

What in the hell? Why have I suddenly been forced 12 hours into the future?

Grrr...I am absolutely and inescapably surrounded by clueless, annoying, infuriating crazy people.

Or, more likely, I am the one who's clueless, annoying, infuriating and crazy. In that case, I will never escape them.

Gah, why are certain options located one right under the other?

I'm thinking of trying something out. For the next three weeks I'm only going to put foods into my body that occur in nature. Nothing processed and packaged. And I will honestly try not to cheat this time, like I do with everything else I do. But it's not like I go into things thinking that I am going to cheat. Or maybe I do, and that's the problem.

Thank you for being a friend
Travel down the road and back again
Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante
And if you threw a party
And invited everyone you knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say,
"Thank you for being a friend"

A friend and I were talking today and it was one of those friendship affirming, "I love you, I love you, too" types of conversations. So I say to him, "I can't imagine not having you in my world. Thank you for being such a great friend." Then I paused. And he paused. And we both burst into that song. It's so great that we both know the theme song from Golden Girls.

I helped my mother do her yard work this morning. Something about it is so calming. There's only the dirt with my hands in them and I'm completely focused on only it. But now I have blisters and can't stop sneezing. Achoo!

He is big. I feel small and delicate under his hands. I shouldn’t enjoy feeling this way, this light-headed exhilaration at the thought that he could crumble me up with those hands. Squeeze me like a banana until I gave way and became mush between his fingers. I know I’m supposed to feel like crying at this moment and I feel guilty because I don’t and because he looks so sad. The sun is shining so blindingly bright over us and it bounces endlessly over the water and I’m loving the sound it makes when it slaps against the rocks. All I can think about is right now and this perfect movie moment, not of tomorrow or the months after that or even of him. He tells me again what he’s been telling me for weeks and I believe him and feel the words I can’t say out loud but I just smile and kiss him like I always do. A bird swoops low close to us and I almost lose myself in the ripples again but manage to pull myself out of the water before he notices that I’m not there. I could say it if I really wanted to. Just tell him, just say it out loud and let him hear the words like I know he needs to.

“I’ll miss you”, instead, like I’ve been saying all week. I keep thinking that we’ll have tomorrow or the day after it but I’m leaving tomorrow and I know I won’t say it then. I won’t say it over the phone because that’ll feel like cheating and I won’t say it when he comes to visit me. I don’t know when I’ll say it or if I’ll ever even say it to him or anyone else. I’m a little bothered that I can’t say it out loud but not too much so. I can deal with my issues later. Right now he’s pulling me closer. I can smell my perfume on his skin and there’s a tiny boat teetering nearer and nearer to where we are standing together.

Bum, bum, bum...doo, doo, doo...scoot, shake, turn and spirit fingers! Happy dance!

What do I want most in the entire world right now? More than success or happiness, love or a really great idea? To get a decent, solid night's sleep. One where I don't toss and turn for hours or wake up at 3am only to not be able to fall back asleep for two 1/2 hours. A night's sleep where I wake up feeling refreshed, well rested and ready to carpe diem instead of groggy, heavy-headed and grumpy. I'm having one of those days already, or still actually, where I can't stand anyone, especially people that I usually like to be around or those who don't deserve it. Everyone and everything freaking annoys me, myself included.

I spent a substantial and ultimately useless amount of time yesterday trying to come up with an idea or plan for Saturday and how to get around that one stupid problem. I'm bummed, though, because I really wanted, and still really want, to see him. Wake me up when Thanksgiving arrives. And can someone please let autumn come while they're at it? Goddamn Texas.

Sometime ago Kevin Gory and Gayla Rochelle gave birth to a baby girl and decided to name her Gaylynn Rachelle (pronounced like Raquel). Since then she has been called everything but. My dad pronounces Gaylynn with the emphasis on the Gay, my mom on the Lynn. My family calls me Nina with different people adding their own special variations, the most common being Nina Bina and Nina Ricci. I don't know why. Depending on which state I'm in and which friends I'm with I am also call Lynn, Layne, Laynie, and Layna. At this point I'll answer to "Jeb" or "Hey, You!"

My superspy code name is Roxy Thunder because I let my best friend have Jessica Red Fox.

My alter ego is named Lina. Lina is everything I'm not most of the time and wish I could be more of. She's passionate and romantic, intuitive, caring and sensitive. She loves to dance: wild, crazy and totally free. She isn't afraid of anything, not of looking stupid, other people's opinions of her, getting hurt or falling in love. In fact, Lina believes that love in all of it's forms is the strongest and most important force that ever was and that in the end, everything comes down to it. She feels before she analyzes and won't let anything sway her from being the eternal cockeyed optimist she is. She doesn't get out much, but I'm working on letting her come out to play more often.

I didn't get enough sleep yet again. I'll probably fall asleep again later in the day. Justin tried to warn me that napping isn't good for you, but I don't care.

Pour it out onto the page
Instead it trickles
So well hidden in places I don't know of
Force it out, they will not come
My inability to express defeats me

I absolutely hate it when things don't go my way. Which unfortunately means I'm disappointed alot. It's just that I have this bad habit of building things up in my mind, reading meaning into things where there was none and then I get disappointed when it doesn't measure up to my mental image. I'm also a bit of a drama queen. Not in action, really, but in thought. One thing I do have to do constantly is remind myself that nothing really worth having is easy to get. At least I hope that is the case because lately I've been getting almost nothing I've wanted. Although I'm sure that's probably just the melodramatic in me speaking.

Well they do. Something about them being super-bendy is just off. I actually once had a nightmare where everyone on the planet had turned into spineless, lycra wearing contortionists. They kept trying to get me to touch the back of neck with my knee and I just kept yelling at them, “I don’t wanna stretch! I don’t wanna stretch!” My dad is sending me my guitar that I left in LA. I was inspired to get him to do it by Justin. Apparently he’s learning to play and I don’t want him to learn faster than me because I’ve had my guitar for five years and still have yet to learn any chord progressions or anything. I must not let Justin win. Nothing personal, dearest. I just want to be better than you.

Tonight on the train I ended up sitting next to the most gorgeous guy with these beautiful little dreads. I would have talked to him except he seemed so engrossed with what he was reading and I didn’t want to disturb him with my awkward and misguided attempts at what some people consider flirting. Ok, so that wasn’t the only reason. First of all, I don’t know if I would be the type of girl he’d be into. By that I mean a complete and utter spaz. Secondly, I’m just not making any conscious efforts to hook up with any new guys right now. I mean I only recently completely broke up with my last boyfriend. And besides that I kind of have a weird sort-of thing that I’m not completely sure what it is or what it isn’t, but I guess I’m kind of into it right now, whatever it is. I’d just really like to know what I’m dealing with before I delve into something new and things get kind of awkward and my emotions get too involved. Because emotions have an annoying way of butting themselves in where they aren’t wanted. Like relationships.